Now in days i spend most of time and days  in my room where i lay in a down turn face. and i think of my past and all my problems that were created by that past that i try to cover up. for an example in my avid class we are creating our college admission essay  it’s supposed to be about an event that has changed us as a person and shaped us to be the young adults we are today….. and to be honest  my events were not exactly events that lasted a day but it lasted years. and it wasn’t just one  event but two  one of them that lasted well i can’t say it stopped but has happen/happening is getting bullied since i was in kindergarten  another is my father sexually and mentally and physically abusing me. and the problem with this is i have to share this to the rest of my class  i will have to read this in front  Jensen. and my so called friends Nicole and all the girls that hate me  that i am not a virgin  that it was taken away at the age of four….. how do i say this ?? as i sat in the computer  Jensen came up next to me   sat on the computer next to me  as i sat there mortified at the situation think back and  she told us how we have to go in depth how we have to proved a five sense the feeling of sweat and pain and dirtiness infecting your body  every night for nine years day after day night after night  the taste of dirtiness and vomit and disgusting  shoved in your mouth?  and the  sight of your tears covering your eyes and the sight of life falling down and the people who hated you and  hearing the awful moaning and grunting from your blood that was doing this  something that i have been craving a actually caring father   that wont hurt me ? the smell of his sweat  and dirt?  how was i gonna read this to my classmate  it started to come back  the pain of the year i shoved out of my mind the problems i have been avoiding  for years and  the pain of knowing I’m not like everyone else  that i am broken  and used  inside under the makeup i wear and the expensive clothing i try to hide behind of  that i am sad that i don’t have a father  that everyday as i get closer to my birthday the day that was supposed to be about a father  and daughter  dance and the tradition of her father helping her grow up and protecting her? to be honest the pain grows every day  and every moment that i have to see  my(so called  best friend ) get picked up by her actual caring loving her own flesh father? and crave the male attention  and protection and knowing there is no guy out there that can replace that   and even when my birthday passes theirs the future chance of marriage who will walk me down my aisle ? all this was rushing in my red in avid and that’s when i started having my panic attack  my breath  started to feel shorter and my heart was racing air was leaving my mind was in a kill my hands started to shake  i started to gain chills  Jensen looked at me and  kept tugging at my shirt asking me if i was alright  then i crashed  i wasn’t so i quickly got up and ran to my teacher asking if i go to my locker   and before she can say yes i ran out the door and i ran  to the baseball field  running  and as i finally hit the bleachers i sat there and cried   and gasped for air  asking  why ? as i cried for another minute i told myself to pull it together and walked to my locker to reapply my makeup and  fix my self up and walked in class as though i was fine . as i got back in class  i hear girls whisper the rumors of me the rumors of no one likes me and  then as i got out of class two random  girls came up and  laughed at me saying fat ass and the other saying where’s your daddy?  huh and snickering  all i needed  after that was  a hug my best friend no from some who loved me cared   so i went to my friend (who i shall not name) and there she forgot to hug me but hugged others and forgot to say goodbye  despite my friend smacked her with a book trying to remind her but what good does that do? none  so that day mor humiliation came to me and as i got home  my mother telling me i’m not normal and  no matter how hard i try i can’t hide the fact I’m broken inside and  how she’s tired of me  and she can’t wait till i turn 18  and my uncle being gone and my sister  with her friends  and i walked in my room   and locked myself up  and i climbed into my closet  and i curled up with my flashlight and shed a couple of tears and blasted on music  this has been happening for almost two months now  now on Monday i have to go and  face that essay. and walk the hallways alone missing company of white angel  but what choice do i have ? i just need to breath

why me why is is the fact people pick on my when i am mingin my own bussnines did i offend them in some kind of way idk people seem to be harsher ever second no matter how freaking hard i try to keep a smile on my face i feel like crying but i can’t cause people are looking sigh this is only fourth period. i want to go home